Bingo! That Was A Victory

Been a few days since my last post.  I've started writing a few blogs in my head, but nothing that I felt like putting in type.  The boys have been home for a week and that just means busy busy busy.  It's been a good week for the most part, but a lot of parenting needed.  I had intentions of getting a lot of housework and organizing done, but played referee for the majority of every day.  There were highlights of course.  We watched movies, played games, had a play date, built a lot of Lego, went to a Kids Crazy Hat Bingo, perfected our paper Star Wars ship folding, read together, went skating, went out for breakfast, went to Elbow Falls and didn't really clean the house at all.  Got one room clean and organized.  The rest of the house is a disaster.  Wonderful to have the boys home, but a lot of work.  Every activity needs me to mediate or guide them somehow.  They really have a tough time playing and interacting with each other without me guidance.  It always starts out fun and playful, always ends screaming and fighting.  It's pretty tiring, but it's hard to leave them alone to play, so I stick close by for the most part.  I know one day I'll look back and be grateful for all those special moments when I was close by and got to share those times with then and I do truly love the time together, but right now, I just really would love a clean house.  Please, nobody pop in for a visit.  I would die.

In an effort to organize our house, I took the opportunity of having the boys home to have them help me clean out their room.  Get rid of some toys they no longer play with.  Organize what is left.  Sounds easy enough right?  Nope.  It's a big change and change doesn't happen very easily around here.  It took us three days.  It's not a huge room.  And that didn't even include their dressers.  This act alone caused so much anxiety and stress in our house over the week that looking back, I'm amazed we even got through it at all.  Good thing is, they have been keeping it clean, tidying it every night.  Now we have a large box of toys to get rid of.  Yay!

We did have a victory that I almost missed until I was sitting in the midst of it, in absolute awe and bewilderment.  I brought the boys to Crazy Hat Bingo on Friday night.  (Organized by a lovely mom group I belong to.)  The intention was for the kids to wear a crazy hat, come play bingo, dance a bit, and have some fun.  Well first of all, they had to drag out every hat they have, "crazied" them up and brought them all.  I think we had 12 in all.  They just could not decide which one to bring so they brought them all.  Always come prepared I guess.  They are Beaver Scouts after all.  Well we got there and Adam decided to wear his Space Helmet (thanks Mel - it's a bucket, cut to look like a space helmet - very cute).  Anytime anyone said it was a bucket, he was sure to correct them with, "No, it's a space helmet."  What a kid!  Aaron was undecided and changed his hat a few times.  First a viking hat, then an army helmet, then a beanie hat.  Completely undecided.  I guess it was his anxiety already creeping in.  He gets very anxious about fitting in and very competitive about games/sports.  We work on this by having family game night every Friday night, and he is getting better with us, but he had a tough time on Friday.

So, Adam won the very first game of bingo and was beyond thrilled.  Aaron waited and waited and just wasn't getting any numbers.  The happiness and excitement was wearing off really fast and I could feel it.  I made sure to stay close to him so I could put out any fires that sparked.  He was getting more anxious with every game, really with every number called.  This is hard to explain because so few people see it happen and I know if anyone who was there reads this they will say that both boys were great.  It is true that we see what our kids are doing more than anyone else does.  It is also very true that Aaron has a way of making sure I know he is stressed out and I know what he is doing that mostly only I see.  He's a master at this.  Does it at school all the time.  He makes sure I know how he is feeling but hides it so well from others.  And I guess at the same time, it is me that should be in tune with him to pick up on his signals...and I do.  So as each number is called, Aaron is getting more and more anxious, clenching his fists and his teeth, holding his breath, getting angry, his face is turning beat red.  I try explaining that every child there would like to win but that isn't how it works and that he needs to just enjoy seeing his friends and have a good time.  He doesn't even hear me.  Eventually I get him to sit on my lap, hoping I can help him settle.  Works only for a few minutes, then he's stomping on my toes every time he doesn't get a number and if I get too close he tries to head butt me.  It's difficult.  I want to leave but Adam is enjoying himself and trying to win again so he can let Aaron pick a prize.  (He sure does have his wonderful moments, that boy.  So kind and thoughtful.)  I also don't want to leave because I think it is important that my boys face the situations they find difficult and any opportunity when I can be there with them when they face them, is a win/win for us.

It's hard to watch your child go through this.  Watching him itching to dance with the other kids between bingo games but not trusting himself enough to just go and do it.  Dancing is something he loves to do and does it so very well.  Already at this young age watching stress and anxiety control how he feels about himself, worrying about judgement and teasing if he should have a misstep.  Adam felt it a bit too and didn't want to dance, but he was so joyful, he just couldn't contain it and went and busted a move or two.  Back to bingo, Aaron says, "Why is Adam getting numbers and I'm not?"  What do you say?  And then comes the Law of Attraction.  "Adam doesn't care if he wins or not.  He's just enjoying himself and being happy.  When you are happy, good things happen.  When you are unhappy, bad things happen."  It sunk in!  He just looked at me with knowing eyes and he got it.  Then he says, "I need to go be alone a little to calm down.  Please watch my bingo card."  And that is what he did.

That was the victory.  He got it.  It didn't necessarily last and it didn't change his mood much, but I know the seed is planted.  That's all I needed, just a sign that it can happen.  It's a small victory, but it's a huge step.  This is the reason we don't medicate, this is our hope for his future.  Just the acknowledgement that we can teach him to recognize his stress and take actions to control it.  Aha!

He didn't dance, he didn't win, he didn't need too ... he grew.

The evening also showed me that although the quest to get a diagnosis for Aaron has been so long, it is still necessary.  As a parent in this situation, I am constantly looking for a shimmer of light saying there is nothing different about my child, always second guessing, always researching, always searching for an answer.  Sitting there with Aaron in my lap while he's stressing out, while Adam (who has an Aspergers diagnosis) is happily playing bingo, not a care in the world, it baffles me that in reality Aaron often shows more signs of Aspergers than Adam, but Adam got the diagnosis rather quickly (at only 5) and we are still fighting for Aaron's (he's 7).  I've been told there is nothing wrong with him, just really smart and I should medicate him (not by our doctor) but I know that is not the case.  He is a very smart, gifted boy, but that is not what is doing this to him.  That is not what has him even questioning his own actions.

Anyways, it has taken me all day to write this blog.  The boys have been on edge a bit after getting back to school today and Adam was a very grumpy bear going to bed.  He ended up rolling himself into a tight little ball and literally growling himself to sleep.  Of course, Aaron picked up on that energy, as he always does, and just woke up with a night terror.  But, I was able to snap him out of it rather quickly, guiding him into the bathroom for a pee, getting him a drink of water and a little foot massage.  Only about 20 minutes of shrieking on his part this time.  I'm especially thankful that my hubby is learning how to deal with these things as they arise and is trusting me and listening to me when I tell him what works and what doesn't.  He is a wonderful and patient man, I'm so happy that he is seeing that this is something we need to work with, not wish away.

So, as I was tucking Aaron in he gave me the nicest compliment, "I'm so lucky to have a nice mommy like you that understands my stresses."  I told him that love is what taught me how to do that and I kissed him good night.  He flashes me that sweet innocent smile that he's been giving me since he was just a tiny baby, looking up at me with so much love and adoration in his eyes.  Melts me every single time.  He's just my little boy and time could stand still in that second and I would be fulfilled.