Play The Hand You Are Dealt

It's a tricky hand to play when your children are on the spectrum.    There is a constant game in play.  You always have cards in your hand.  Do you play that one now?  Do you stay?  What do you do?  This is not a game of solitaire.  No no no.  Everyone your children interact with are  playing the game with you.  They probably don't even realize how much a part of the game they are.  They might not even know the rules.  Well, no one really knows the rules, they change depending on who is in the game and who's kid is at play.  But nonetheless, every one of their moves, even just their thoughts, change the hand you will play.

I'm facing an obstacle I didn't expect with Aaron.  His tourettes is getting a bit out of control lately.  That's not the problem we are facing.  The problem is that he's having a hard time hiding it like he usually does.  Don't get me wrong, I don't require him to hide it.  I require him to do what feels right for him.  He knows he is perfect in our eyes, but how he deals in a social setting is up to how he feels.  He has chosen to fly under the radar and try to go unnoticed.

Yesterday he ticked a lot and it was pointed out.  It wasn't intentionally done to cause him any duress, but it was done.  And he felt horrible.  I picked the boys up from school and he told me immediately.  I won't go into details about what happened exactly, I don't want to publicly chastise anyone.  He was upset.  We came home and he hid under a mountain of pillows and blankets on our bed for hours.  Screaming, crying, wanting me there but only hitting me and telling me to go, hating school, hating himself, calling himself stupid, wanting to die.  It's horrible.  We have been here before and it never gets easy to hear or see.  Never.  And all I could do was cry with him.

You can barely see his head in the middle there.  Dudley his RCMP stuffy guarding him.

He has done an amazing job keeping up to his peers.  He blends in nicely at school.  If you know what he struggles with, you can see it, but it's not easy.  He does this.  This isn't what we asked him to do, this is what he figured out how to do and every year of school he gets better at hiding it.  It's amazing that he can.  Aspergers is a very social issue.  His genius little brain figured this out early on.  And now in grade two, he's been outed as being different.  He's crushed.  It's sad to see that something so slight that would not have affected an average child has such a deep affect on him.  It's a sad reality of his life though.  To most families this would be a non-issue, but to this family, it is a huge issue.  This could be a turning point to him.  People with tourettes go to great lengths to veil their problem any way they can.  I don't think I can fold this hand, I can't even discard.  This game is not over.

I have great support at the school when dealing with my boys and it isn't something I want to compromise.  So my hand just got very difficult.  What does this mama need to do?  That's the hand I'm playing now.  Do I hope that the lesson has been learned by the person who did this?  Or do I go in and make sure the lesson has been learned?  I have utmost respect for every single employee of that school, I love and adore them all.  But I have told the story many many times about Aaron's issues.  It is well known by everyone who deals with him on a daily basis.  So when this person was confronted with yesterday's problem, by a neutral party, this person let them know that they do not believe there is anything wrong with Aaron.  Excuse my language, but are you fucking kidding me?

Obviously nobody knows but me of all the night terrors, fights, anxiety, stress, confusion, paranoia, just to start the list slowly, that I deal with on a daily basis just from him alone.  I am thrilled he does such a good job fitting in, but as soon as we leave the school, the cork pops on that bottle and we are in for it.  I'm annoyed.  No, I'm past annoyed.  I'm furious and I'm discouraged.  I've been trying to help Aaron deal with these issues for over 5 years now.  I have jumped through so many hoops I should be in the fucking circus.  I have gone to the moon and back making sure that all the T's were crossed, the I's were dotted and I put a fucking smiley face on every damn exclamation mark.  I have waited on every waiting list.  I've filled out every form, some over 30 pages long, some of them twice.  I have done all tests necessary.  I'm the mom who when asked for something says, "we already did that, here are the results."  So to be told that this person does not believe that there is anything wrong with him, made me want to vomit.  Made me feel like all that had been for not and that my child is just floating.  Just treading water.

This is my child.  I know him better than anyone.  I grew him.  If I say this is how things are, you believe this is how they are.  I don't want this for him.  Why say he doesn't have aspergers or anxiety or tourettes or sensory issues?  Is that an assumption that I would want him to have it?  I want this for him?  It's beyond me.  It's like saying, "my child is allergic to spaghetti."  And someone saying, "no he isn't, I haven't seen a reaction."  WTF.  I endeavor to make sure that Aaron is treated like everyone else, but at the same time, it needs to be remembered that if aspergers or tourettes show up, that is handled differently.  As the child with an allergy.  Everything is the same, but if spaghetti shows up, here is the protocol.  Not rocket science.

Now to find my grace.  In all situations that upset me.  I like to think it through, process it and come out the other end shining like a fucking diamond.   I will put on my mom hat, but not the frilly, cute one.  I will get some answers and some results very very soon.  Anyone who knows me and knows how I operate, knows that there will be some results.  I don't back down.  I come ready for the fight.  I don't get nasty.  I get results.  And I usually leave the person giving the results with a sense of satisfaction as well.  I don't intend to be mean or cruel, just effective.  I am after all, the Queen of Fucking Diamonds and this is my hand, my game, my cards, my child.

And now I can breathe...