Jake went to Ontario for 5 days. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was around here. The boys have never been away from him (or I for that matter) for more than just overnight one time. It was a hard transition for them and I sure felt it everyday. It was pure and utter chaos. And at the same time, I haven't been away from him for that long in a very very very long time and I missed him so very much. I love that man. His trip was good though. He got to connect with all his siblings, his dad, his step mom and finally got to meet his stepsister and stepbrother. Plus he got to visit his mom's grave for the very first time, which was something he so desperately needed. It was only 5 days, but it meant everything to him to be able to go and he experienced some emotions that took him by surprise, but needed to be felt.
I started working out of the house again. I still have my accounting clients and will probably still take a few more, but I really do enjoy working out of the house a bit too. I found an awesome company to subcontract to and I adore the owner. She and I are so similar in our thought process. It's refreshing. And of course the validation of a job well done is always so fulfilling. I really really enjoy it.
My Aaron has had a bit of a tough go lately and most of this blog will be about him. I won't go into detail about what happened, but we moved him to a new class that is better suited to give him what he needs emotionally, socially and academically. It was a tough decision and we thought it over a lot. Moving your kid six months into the school year is not an easy thing to do. Obviously you need to have good reason or it won't even be considered by the school. I made a list. Weighed every option. Put on my battle gear and did it. Eventually what sealed the deal was when I asked Aaron what he thought of the idea. Now you have to remember he does not like change and doesn't normally do well with transition. "Aaron what do you think about maybe changing to a different class?" Brightest eyes I have ever seen, "OK". He was excited at the chance and hasn't looked back yet. I'm thrilled he is so happy, but at the same time it kind of breaks my heart a bit for not seeing it sooner. For not making sure he was in the right place, for not trusting my gut when I first thought he was in the wrong place. It kind of threw me into a bit of a tailspin and the mom guilt was thick, but I am reminded that, "we do the best we can with what we know at the time and when we know better, we do better."
I cannot stress to parents enough that we need to hear our children, even when they aren't saying anything, we need to hear them. As much of an advocate as I feel I am for my kids, this experience has caused me to realize I need to not only advocate for mine, I must advocate for all. When something doesn't seem right to you, it is your responsibility as a human to ask why. You were given intuition, trust it. Battle gear is not off yet.
Again with Aaron...he went to the Tourettes clinic, after a very long wait, last Friday and it is confirmed that he has Tourettes. I tell you, filling out forms for hours at a time is an emotion nightmare. Answering these questions about my baby is not easy. It is a hard glimpse into the reality that is his life and I feel so helpless in this process. This is the first time I filled out forms where some of the questions were actually directed at him. So we sat down together to go over them and it started off good with answer like:
I am sad many times.
I do most things ok.
I have fun in many things.
But when it came to more in depth questions, Aaron started getting upset very quickly and ended up scribbling all over the form, but answered with his honest feelings with:
I do not like myself.
Many bad things are my fault.
I want to kill myself. (No, I don't feel he would do it.)
This never gets easy. Ever. It's not just filling out forms, it's taking a look at what is and praying for answers, praying for direction, praying for my boys to have full and happy lives.
So, let me clarify what Aaron's Tourettes looks like because instantly everyone thinks of "movie" Tourettes. He does not randomly swear or scream obscenities at anyone. He ticks. He squeaks. He taps his knuckles on surfaces. He blinks. He does a little shoulder shrug. He sniffles. He says things without thinking (only when he's angry). Not your normal things, but more like, I want to kill you, I want to kill myself. These ticks are impulsive. He doesn't always feel them coming. He is getting better at noticing them and dealing with them. They obviously come out more when he is angry, nervous, stressed. They aren't always there, so don't look at him like he's a bomb about to go off. For the most part they are subtle and plenty of people never even see them. But, to him, they are huge. Larger than life. I'm so proud of him for being able to work through them. At school, when he feels himself ticking or feels the urge to tick, he goes on a walk about, which just means his lovely teacher allows him to leave the classroom, follow his preplanned path through the school to the B.E.S.T. room, where he takes a break, collects himself, goes to the washroom, gets a drink, returns to class. Our school is blessed with a behaviour team, I know I've mentioned it before, but they are responsible for finding this solution for him in school and it has been a life saver for him.
So one step closer to a diagnosis for Aaron, which is fabulous. But, the doctor at the Tourettes clinic suggested that maybe Aaron has ADHD, which I don't feel is accurate...at all. Perhaps he presents with some of the symptoms, but not enough to convince this momma. Most certainly not enough for me to medicate the ADHD. I'm not convinced. But he does have a psycho educational assessment request approved and just waiting for a date and I am so happy. Hopefully this will produce an accurate diagnosis. As a disclaimer, I don't "need" there to be something different about my child, but as with anything that is life changing, I do "need" to know what we are dealing with and how to help him deal with it.
We had quite an ordeal at the dentist on Monday. The boys both had appointments and were actually pretty happy going in. They were talkative and sweet with the receptionist and she was quickly swooning over them. But when it was time to go in for their appointments, Aaron wouldn't go. He walked down the hall and quickly headed for the back of the office looking for a back door. I had them take Adam in to show Aaron that it was okay. That didn't work, Aaron was upset. Hitting me, screaming, and holding his breath. (It was our first time at this new dentist.) They were understanding and thankfully the boys were the only patients in at the time. Aaron eventually trusted himself enough to sit in the chair and let him clean his teeth. But freaked the dental office out enough that the fillings he needs will be done at a pediatric dentist. Standing amongst the drama of it all, I just don't understand how Adam clearly has Aspergers yet gladly and happily hopped into the dentist chair, making jokes like "look into my uvula" but Aaron who does not have a diagnosis seems to need so much more of our attention.
It is dawning on me more and more how often I need to explain Aaron's behaviour in public. He still does pretty well at school keeping it to himself, but more and more it is coming out when we are somewhere else. I'm worried what that might mean in his future. He isn't on medication now, but of course it does enter my thoughts more and more. I'm nervous to numb that beautiful mind of his.
So there is our roller coaster, it has many ups and downs. Trust me. So, as friends, do me a favour and let me be pissed off sometimes. Let me vent and get it out. Please just listen. Don't try to fix it. Don't give me sympathy. Just understand and listen. I get a lot of "it's not that bad" and "my kid does it too" when sometimes I just need to say "it sucks" and "I hate it". Doesn't mean I hate my kids, just means I am tapped out. I need the time, even just a couple of minutes, to recharge. Most of the time that is as a happy and understanding me, but sometimes, it's a pissed off, can't take no more, I'm going to rip someone's face off me. And that is okay. I am still a human, but only human.
Our boys are amazing, funny, smart, kind and sweet. They just get foggy sometimes and that's okay too. We know who they really are and we work through the tough times. Our house is always full of love, lots of times confusion, always excitement and adventure and I don't think I would recognize it any other way. Definitely not an easy life, definitely not the life I envisioned us having, but this is our life and we make the most of every second of it.
Now I'm off to make Jello jiggler Easter eggs for the boys class. Not because I have to, but because I feel good that I can, my boys enjoy the little things and it makes others feel good. Win/win. That's what life is about right?
