When In Doubt, Laugh About It

Started the day by having an impromptu breakfast date with a fellow mom who's son is autistic.  We have so much in common and we always chat for longer than either of us expect it, while scurry our kids to their classrooms.  Today we just said screw it, let's go have breakfast (after an hour long chat in the halls).  It is so nice and refreshing to have another person to relate to.  It's nice to know there is someone else dealing with the same kind of frustrations and having the same kind of revelations and triumphs at the same time.

Had an otherwise normal day.  Ran some errands.  Did some accounting.  I've been finding myself anxious lately, I guess waiting for something to happen.  There is always something happening and lately, working strictly from home, I'm actually at home sometimes with just me and the dogs and, although I'm so grateful I can do this, I'm learning how to enjoy some quiet again.  Which is odd after so much noise always for so long.

I did drive past the school this afternoon on my way home, just as the lunch recess was ending.  Saw Adam walking into the school with his lovely friend.  She is so sweet.  He is the proverbial apple of her eye.  He let all the other kids into the school ahead of him and then spoke with the teacher holding the door for a few minutes.  I was quite a ways away, but I could still hear that he was getting upset, something must have happened at recess that he couldn't process.  I don't know what it was, still don't, but I sat there and cried for a while.  Sometimes you can catch a glimpse into the struggle that may be ahead of your child and when you do, it's a bit scary.

Anyways, Aaron had a pretty great day and it carried over to most of the evening.  He is the classroom manager tomorrow so he was pretty excited to get his show and tell ready and write a story to go along with it.  I so hope that he won't let his nervousness get in his way when his time comes tomorrow.  He was so proud of his story and he did such a great job.  But, he usually ends up crumpling it up and shoving it into his pocket instead of reading it to the class.  I could see the anxiety of it coming out already at bedtime and he ended up picking a fight with me so he had a reason to cry himself to sleep.  He is grounded from playing with the DS because he has now broken his for the second time because he was angry and figured he would bug to play our 3DS.  He doesn't lose very well, so when he does, the ds gets it and he thinks since his is broken, the one we bought for the family should be his now.  Not going to happen.  He screamed in bed for a good half hour before falling asleep.  I'm so amazed that I had the patience to listen to it.

Adam was a bit rowdy tonight, but in the silly way.  Which is him being funny, but he can push it too far.  In the midst of it, he called me from the hallway.  I begrudgingly come down the hall, definitely a bit agitated, because he has been climbing the walls.  He's standing there, with his goofy Denise-the-Menace smile, one sock off, no pants, peed in underwear, a shirt that he has been chewing on all day (he does that when he gets a stuffy nose), it's wet up to his elbow on one arm, and you can see he's hit the wall. So he says, "I think I need a bath to reset me."  I didn't even know what to say to him, all disheveled like that.  I just laughed.

Amidst all of this, our beautiful boxer boy Gunner does everything he can to try to keep those boys calm.  He had a busy night tonight going back and forth between these boys.  I swear that pup came into our lives for a reason.  He knows how to comfort them and he knows when they need it.  He takes all the affection he can get and gives more than anyone could imagine.  He has blessed us so much.  I swear he's the Asperger Whisperer...and for that, damn right, he gets to sleep in our bed.  (**disclaimer.  This does not mean I love him more than Velvet or DeJa.  They serve amazing purpose in our home as well.)

The Aspergers Family

Adam:
Daddy I think you have aspergers.
Aaron I think you have aspergers.
Mommy I think you have aspergers.
I think we should change our name to The Aspergers Family.

LOL. How can you tell I have been talking to the boys about aspergers lately and all the good things about it? Adam was thinking it was a compliment to tell us that we have aspergers. Because obviously that means we are smart, unique, curious and wonderful. We all had a good laugh.

We have been trying to explain the wonderful things that come with aspergers. They know first hand the not so wonderful things, so I didn't think I had to rehash them but did try to explain that not all fabulous people have aspergers. Or do they? lol

So, we had an eventful weekend. Went tobogganing (not sure how to spell that, everyone in Alberta calls it sledding). It went pretty well for the most part. They were super excited so I tried to make it casual. Too much excitement just means they start acting up and fighting long before we even get there. So we played it as cool as we could. They were great walking to the snowhill. As soon as we got there, Adam hoped on a toboggan and away he went. And he was golden, for about 35 minutes. Then you could tell he had enough stimulation. He had tunnel vision and wouldn't listen to us asking him to be more careful. Screaming at us if we would talk to him, going out of his way to hit us. He was a toboggan ninja and that was it. That was ultimately why we left. He was being careless. He cried and screamed all the way back to the van. He eventually calmed down but was a bit of a bear for a while.

Aaron, on the other had, was his usual cautious self approaching the hill. Got on the toboggan and sat for a second. As soon as it inched up slightly, he threw his hands down to grab the snow and shreaked that he couldn't do it. My image of him gliding down the hill having the time of his life shattered as he ran to the closest hiding spot. He sat under that tree for about 10 minutes. Eventually he let me convince him to just come and give it a try on a smaller hill. I'm so thankful he trusts me so much, but he has to learn to do this with other people too, including Daddy. Mommy is getting burnt out. He whined and stomped around whenever his toboggan didn't go the way he envisioned it, but we are used to that by now. All in all, the rest of his day was supreme. Ahh....

Our boys are getting older and in some ways this journey is getting easier...and in some ways it is getting more difficult. I have been noticing changes in Aaron. Yes he's old enough to vocalize when he is feeling 'stressed' (as we call his anxiety) but at the same time, his temper gets away from him so much easier now. So, here is the best development of our weekend. Jake, who works shift work and lots of over-time, doesn't get to spend as much one on one time with the boys as I do, so in turn they have become used to me putting out all the fires. Jake is seeing that it's bigger than just me now and is needing to step up his game more when it comes to backing me up and taking some direction from me on what the boys need, without getting his nose out of joint. Don't get me wrong, he is a fabulous dad, and so patient, but when the crap starts he doesn't always know how to help them. And they change what works and what doesn't work so often, it's not really his fault either. But, he's becoming more and more open and aware that this is the hand we are dealt and as painful as it is to admit, we have to step up and make this as easy for them as we can. For example, when they are acting up, Jake has a tendancy to say "why are you doing this?" when in actuality he is only adding to their frustration. When I pointed it out to him tonight, he had a huge aha moment and was very grateful for it. If they knew why or how to stop, they would. You can't ask them why they are doing something that they have such a hard time controlling and have no idea why it is happening to them. Just saying things differently or catching them before they are stressed or not putting them in situations beyond their control. And then sometimes it is just a guessing game. So I'm feeling optimistic and I think the boys are feeling the united front and I think Jake is feeling more control. All good all around.

That's all for now from Martha Aspergers. lol

Boxing Fights

That's what my boys call it. Boxing Fights. I love that they play together, I hate that it teeters on the edge of an actual fight the whole time. But this was this morning and there was peace and I'm so grateful when that happens. I'll take the fleating moments and deal with the rest as it comes.

We did great today until about noonish. Then attitudes came out and frustration sunk in. Aaron is just so defiant lately. Since winter break has been over, he really has been easy to fire. Most days are spent in and out of drama but always end up with him crying at night, telling me how sorry he is and wishing he could change things. I just hold him and tell him it's okay and we will work it all out as best we can. I always try to reinforce the calming strategies that work for him and always always always tell him how very special he is and how much we love him. He melts and becomes my little baby again and all is right with the world. Adam does this frequently throughout the day, whenever there is conflict, he needs the immediate resolution and I'm okay with that. Wish Aaron didn't let it build all day, but we work it out.

Anyhow, I wanted to blog yesterday but was waiting for "the victories" because I surely will blog them. They just don't always come when I want them. Right now, while I'm typing this, they are creating a screenplay for the next Star Wars movie, which they have named Star Wars Galaxy. They are worried about the franchise since Disney purchased it. They have a need to meet George Lucas and discuss the future. Yes they are only 6 & 7 years old. So right now, is a victory. Phew.

I'm happy to be getting some great feedback since I started this blog. Lots of "I appreciate your honesty." My mom, who even though knows first hand what this looks like, had an even greater understanding of it all, and a good cry. Love you mom. Lots of understanding glances that said, I read your blog, I want to hug you but I don't know if I should. A few sympathetic looks. And a lovely friend with words of encouragement that said, "I hope you know how much I enjoy Adam. There is something about him, that when I look at him, I just feel beautiful." If you are reading this, you know who you are and yes, they were the perfect words and I carry them in my heart.

Already this blog is helping me relieve a bit of my own stress and let everyone have a good look at what we live through and how we cope with it. I didn't start this to have a platform to whine or bitch about my kids, even if it may sound that way sometimes, I started this to be honest about how life in this aspergers house is. And maybe it will in some way help someone else to deal or perhaps help someone else to get a diagnosis. Diagnosis is an uphill battle, on ice, in barefeet. Especially when often times aspergers just looks like a naughty kid. Okay, can't start on that now. That will be another blog on another day.

Lots to do, it is Friday so that means, it's Klassen Family Game Night.

Mismatched Mittens

This morning was much better. Except that it is damn cold. Adam was in good spirits, Aaron was in surprisingly good spirits. But the closer the clock clicked to departure time for school, the closer and more familiar our normal morning script became. What would you like for breakfast honey? (not directed at either, hoping that both will answer or either) Met by SILENCE. Okay (insert child's name usually whichever one has crawled out of bed first) what do you want to eat? You need some energy for school. Adam has his usual, There is school today? ~groan~ I finally get some responses and get their breakfasts for them while they sit like vampires huddled in little balls blocking out all light. (Thank God it's winter and it's still dark in the morning because taping garbage bags over windows every morning to block out morning sun that creaks through even the smallest cracks in the blinds, is not fun work)



Now time is really starting to get ahead of us. And the cereal sits in the milk getting soggier and soggier and it's gross. Me nagging nagging nagging and they are getting more and more irritated, but I can't just leave them alone or we will never make it out the door.



Finally they give in, without a knock down drag out fight, shocker, and eat a little while I get their clothes together, because I won't let them go to school dressed as Star Wars characters, which is what they would pick for themselves. And since I have mountains of laundry at any given time and a ton of it is clean and just needs to be put away but isn't, I'm digging to find something that fits the ever growing Aaron.



I've found time in this chaos to dress myself, let the dogs out and make the kid's lunches. Now comes the trial for them to just get dressed, which always just ends in me threatening to bring them to school naked.



Ready to leave just need snowpants, jackets, gloves and boots on. But oh wait, Aaron has to pee. And because Adam left a toy in the bathroom, figured he should pee with no hands so he could have a second to play with the toy that Adam would otherwise not let him have. Boys! Aaron comes out of the bathroom and informs me he needs new pants because "I was really trying to be careful but I got a little pee on my pants and I don't want my friends to think I smell like pee." A little was an understatement. He also understated the amount of pee on the toilet seat, that he didn't lift, and the floor.



Make the trek to Mount Washmore we go, now we are late. Now I can't find pants for him, I swear he is growing taller everyday. So I'm getting flustered. Which means that Aaron has switched gears and is now crying and sobing sorries, making me feel like I've scarred him somehow. Finally, found a pair. Now to get them out the stinkin door. That means another ten minutes of me hustling them to get their gear on.



They are feeling the stress, I am feeling the stress. Hurry them out the door, Adam whining and complaining, Aaron crying. I tuck Gunner into his kennel and lock the door.



I'm not even in the van completely (which is chilly because I didn't have time to start it and let it warm up) and I hear "Mommy can I have a tic tac" "Mommy turn on the movie". I'm not even in the van yet, one leg dangling out.



I said "NO! Think about our situation here right now. I have to nag you to get ready and we are late and now I'm not even in the van and you are asking me for things. I was just asking you for things and you ignored me." Makes good sense right? But then Aaron is upset because he thinks I'm furious (and I am close but not all the way there) so he starts to sob again. He has a weird fear of anyone driving when they are angry. I don't know why. It's completely out of left field but he's terrified of that. Past life? Who knows. So I calm down, give them a tic tac and we are on our way.



Make it to school. Kisses, hugs, I love yous and I can breath. But I swear these mornings are taking years off my life. Now to go see our BEST team (Behaviour Education Support Teachers - in other words, our life line at school. I'd die without their support. Every school should have this. We are so blessed by these angels). I promised Adam the night before after the Beaver fiasco that I would talk to Mr Traber and see if he could take his aspergers away. In actuality, we discussed other things but Mr Traber knows Adam will be waiting to hear that I talked to him. I feel whole again.



I go to the van. I get in. I breathe. I'm hungry, haven't eaten yet and it's two hours after I dropped the boys off at school. I notice I have not brushed my hair or my teeth and I have mismatched mittens. I often have thought that yes, it was believed that Einstein had aspergers and was legendary, but wow, his mom must have been a saint.



Shit if I can write this much just about our typical morning, maybe I should write a novel. Hmmm.....

Let's Jump In With Both Feet

My new blog and I'm not even going to update my info or give a background or anything, I'm just going to jump in. I need to get it off my chest and it's too long and ugh for a facebook status. The boys had Beavers tonight and Adam has been notoriously naughty there. Long story. But we made a deal that if he was naughty tonight I would take away his new Lego Star Wars X-wing for three days. Well, I get there to pick them up and he's pushing a boy and getting pushed back and blah blah, then he's twirling around in the middle of all of them while they are doing riverbanks (closing the evening). I ask the leader how he was and he told me he did a lot of screaming and had a few altercations with other kids and even took a few swings at the leader.

So I took away his Lego and began a crying, screaming episode, that included phrases like "I'm going to sneak out of the house tonight and go in the garage and steal daddy's hammer and smash my head in, you don't love me", that lasted for a good 40 minutes. Nothing to be done when this happens, believe me, I have tried EVERYTHING. Eventually he calms enough to say, "the only thing that will make me feel better is a snuggle". Holy shit the last thing I want to do is snuggle him at this point because my head is about to burst, I can't grind my teeth hard enough and my stomach is in such turmoil I could vomit. But, I'm mom and he's calming and I give him a snuggle, even though he was slightly upset because he wanted to snuggle in bed but settled for the couch.

Then the conversation starts:
Adam: I think I have too much aspergers. How do I get rid of it? (Yes he know he has aspergers. He asks a question, I answer it honestly.)
Me: You can't get rid of it, you will have it forever. You just need to control it so it doesn't control you.
Adam: Forever? Even when I'm in heaven? Why did God give this to me? (Everything is a definite for him. Everything is forever. He brings up God often, he has a deep connection to him and that's okay with us. He has some wisdom beyond my understanding or words.)
Me: (choking back tears) There are a lot of great things about aspergers. God gave you a gift. You are unique. You are smart. You are caring. You will be a leader. You are so special.

Ugh. My heart could not be more broken.

Aaron saw the drama of our interaction tonight and acknowledged to Adam that he feels the same way sometime and showed him different techniques that help him. I was so thankful for that. So I tucked them both in bed and covered them both with a million stuffies (one of Aaron's techniques) and now he's calm and sleeping and I'm crying and I wish I could do more to help him.

Thanks for listening. I needed to get it out. And I'm thinking for all the nights I need to get it out and leave it there, this blog may become handy in keeping my sanity (or what is left of it) intact.