Let's Jump In With Both Feet

My new blog and I'm not even going to update my info or give a background or anything, I'm just going to jump in. I need to get it off my chest and it's too long and ugh for a facebook status. The boys had Beavers tonight and Adam has been notoriously naughty there. Long story. But we made a deal that if he was naughty tonight I would take away his new Lego Star Wars X-wing for three days. Well, I get there to pick them up and he's pushing a boy and getting pushed back and blah blah, then he's twirling around in the middle of all of them while they are doing riverbanks (closing the evening). I ask the leader how he was and he told me he did a lot of screaming and had a few altercations with other kids and even took a few swings at the leader.

So I took away his Lego and began a crying, screaming episode, that included phrases like "I'm going to sneak out of the house tonight and go in the garage and steal daddy's hammer and smash my head in, you don't love me", that lasted for a good 40 minutes. Nothing to be done when this happens, believe me, I have tried EVERYTHING. Eventually he calms enough to say, "the only thing that will make me feel better is a snuggle". Holy shit the last thing I want to do is snuggle him at this point because my head is about to burst, I can't grind my teeth hard enough and my stomach is in such turmoil I could vomit. But, I'm mom and he's calming and I give him a snuggle, even though he was slightly upset because he wanted to snuggle in bed but settled for the couch.

Then the conversation starts:
Adam: I think I have too much aspergers. How do I get rid of it? (Yes he know he has aspergers. He asks a question, I answer it honestly.)
Me: You can't get rid of it, you will have it forever. You just need to control it so it doesn't control you.
Adam: Forever? Even when I'm in heaven? Why did God give this to me? (Everything is a definite for him. Everything is forever. He brings up God often, he has a deep connection to him and that's okay with us. He has some wisdom beyond my understanding or words.)
Me: (choking back tears) There are a lot of great things about aspergers. God gave you a gift. You are unique. You are smart. You are caring. You will be a leader. You are so special.

Ugh. My heart could not be more broken.

Aaron saw the drama of our interaction tonight and acknowledged to Adam that he feels the same way sometime and showed him different techniques that help him. I was so thankful for that. So I tucked them both in bed and covered them both with a million stuffies (one of Aaron's techniques) and now he's calm and sleeping and I'm crying and I wish I could do more to help him.

Thanks for listening. I needed to get it out. And I'm thinking for all the nights I need to get it out and leave it there, this blog may become handy in keeping my sanity (or what is left of it) intact.